Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
