You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
