my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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