I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
