Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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