I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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