I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
