...so i touched it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
