I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
