I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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