I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
