I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
