we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
