so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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