My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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