I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
