She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
