From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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