why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Randomize
