i just sent this text using only my big toe
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize