dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
