The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
