And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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