just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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