I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
