Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
