Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
