my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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