Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
