dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
