Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
