Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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