You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at about main and main street
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
