You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
