I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
