Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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