it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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