I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
never play flip cup with pint glasses
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
