New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
