The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
