I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You are a genius and a whore.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
