he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
