made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
