A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
