My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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