Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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