wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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