i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
