Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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