you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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