Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want her autograph on my taint
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
