You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
