Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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