Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
