Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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