There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
