i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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