WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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