Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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