theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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