I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
